Big Fucking Things

And lo, it was writtede that if ye intende to supporte thyne village upone the noveltie belonging to an objecte, known hereforeto as a Fuckinge Thingge, the proportiones of whiche maye be divinede as Bigge, thenst thou shouldest obeyeth these rulese, whiche followeth:

1. Presentation of your Big Fucking Thing is key. People need to be able to show photos of themselves grinning like morons in front of the Big Fucking Thing to their friends to prove just how fucking big it is.
2. Appearance is Everything. If your Big Fucking Thing is supposed to be a scaled up version of an everyday object that people are very familiar with then it really needs to look like that thing, otherwise it really doesn’t count for much.
3. Don’t rest on your laurels, and be willing to make amendments when necessary.
   Your Big Fucking Thing – no matter how big it seems when you build it – might not always be the biggest, as envious towns and organizations in other parts of the country / world may set out to steal your title by slightly increasing the dimensions of their own projects. Therefore, it is incumbent upon you to develop side attractions at the site of your Big Fucking Thing that make it more interesting and unique to potential visitors and will keep them there longer once they’ve arrived. Alternatively, you can always slightly alter the design of your Big Fucking Thing (for example, by adding a Jesus to your cross) in such a way that it retains the title of Biggest Fucking [Something], even if that wasn’t what you were originally going for.

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