If there’s one thing I’ve learned since I moved to the United States it’s that no-one (especially in The South) can seem to get enough Jesus in their lives. The city I live in seems to have a church on every street, and I think it’s the same in most other places. Still, that’s clearly not enough to ensure that everyone gets their daily dose of the Lord, so some enterprising souls have taken it upon themselves to erect Big Fucking Crosses along the side of highways to ensure that we don’t all forget that He died for our sins.

And so it is that Groom, Texas, is home to the 2nd largest Big Fucking Cross in the Western Hemisphere: a 190 foot tall, 110 foot wide, 1,250 ton*, white steel monstrosity that can bee seen for miles in every direction, so if you happen to be driving by on Interstate 40 rest assured that you won’t miss it. Once you’ve given in to the massive gravitational pull of the Big Fucking Cross and have parked your Big Fucking SUV at the nearby parking lot, you’ll find not only a series of twelve bronze statues depicting the Stations of the Cross but also: bronze statues depicting The Last Supper and a crucified Jesus (with adjacent crucified thieves); an empty ‘tomb’; a pro-life monument to aborted children**; a museum containing a replica of the Shroud of Turin; and – of course – a gift shop*** (but beware: they don’t sell film for your camera, if you still use that stuff). You’ve got to hand it to the Thomas family of Pampa who created this whole thing. They certainly know how to make a Big Fucking Thing work to pull travellers in and how to keep them there a little longer – and spend some cash – by adding side attractions.

Effingham, Illinois, can rightfully lay claim to having the true largest Big Fucking Cross in the Western Hemisphere. Though it looks almost identical to Groom’s cross, it’s actually 8 feet taller and 3 feet wider. We’re talking about a case of intentional Christian oneupsmanship, here: The First Baptist Church of Effingham were so impressed with Groom’s Big Fucking Cross that they formed their own Cross Foundation in order to raise the $1.1 million required to build their own, and they made a point of building it ever-so-slightly bigger so that they could claim the prestigious record. Taking further inspiration from Groom, they have built side attractions around the base of the cross. Specifically, they built monuments to the Ten Commandments as well as something called the Meditation Walk and, of course, a gift shop where you can buy delights such as a video of how the Big Fucking Cross was constructed. Nothing quite as elaborate as the attractions at the base of Groom’s cross but then they started their development later and they do have the all important ‘largest Big Fucking Cross in the Western Hemisphere’ title, so they can rest on their laurels a little, I guess. Still, I expect to see further expansion of their facilities in the near future. It’s only a matter of time before some other bunch of fanatical Christians decides to build their own Big Fucking Cross and make it Even Fucking Bigger, and that’ll leave Effingham looking kind of sorry.

So, you may be wondering now about who can lay claim to the title of “Biggest Fucking Cross in the Whole Damn World”. Well, according to my research, that honor goes to The Holy Cross of the Valley of the Fallen which was built on top of a rocky cliff known as Risco de la Nava in Sierra de Guadarrama, Spain. This thing is not only ginormous – it is also incredibly classy, having been built between 1940 and 1958 as part of a monument (the other part being the huge basilica that they carved into the rock below) to commemorate all those who died during the Spanish Civil War. This gargantuan granite cross designed by architect Diego Méndez measures a whopping 492 feet tall (including the base) and 154 feet wide. The base of the cross features four colossal sculptures, each measuring about 58 feet tall, depicting the four Evangelists (Saint Luke, with a bull; Saint John, with an eagle; Saint Mark, with a lion; and Saint Matthew, with a man). The overall weight of the cross, including its base, is approximately 200,000 tons. The base of the cross can be accessed by a funicular railway that departs every 30 minutes. And not a tacky giftshop in sight!

I feel I have to mention here a proposed Big Fucking Cross in Nazareth, Israel (yes, that’s right: the hometown of the Big J himself). The Nazareth Cross, if built, would not (contrary to how they are selling the proposal) actually assume the title of The World’s Biggest Fucking Cross, measuring a mere 135 feet tall. However, what it lacks in size it more than makes up for in ambition and sheer foolishness. I’ll let the project’s website speak for itself (though you may want to do a quick search for articles on the project yourself to get a good idea of how unlikely it is that it’ll ever actually happen), but here’s an artist’s impression:

Also worth a mention here is Cheboygan, Michigan’s The Cross in the Woods Shrine. It’s really a midget compared to the other crosses mentioned here and yet it still manages to create a blip on the Big Fucking Things radar. You see, whilst the Oregon redwood cross itself – erected in 1954 – stands a mere 55 foot high, the monument was propelled into its current Big Fucking Thing status in 1959 when sculptor Marshall M. Fredericks created a 7 ton bronze Jesus to crucify upon it. In terms of Big Fucking Thing strategy, that addition was a stroke of pure genius. Sure, they may not have the world’s largest Big Fucking Cross today but they do have the world’s biggest Big Fucking Crucified Jesus On A Cross. Nice one, Cheboygan!

So what have we learned today? I’d like to add the following to the Big Fucking Thing Book of Strategy:

3. Don’t rest on your laurels, and be willing to make amendments when necessary.
Your Big Fucking Thing – no matter how big it seems when you build it – might not always be the biggest, as envious towns and organizations in other parts of the country / world may set out to steal your title by slightly increasing the dimensions of their own projects. Therefore, it is incumbent upon you to develop side attractions at the site of your Big Fucking Thing that make it more interesting and unique to potential visitors and will keep them there longer once they’ve arrived. Alternatively, you can always slightly alter the design of your Big Fucking Thing (for example, by adding a Jesus to your cross) in such a way that it retains the title of Biggest Fucking [Something], even if that wasn’t what you were originally going for.

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* I’m dubious about that figure and am more inclined to believe the figure given elsewhere of 75 tons, but that’s what it said on the Cross Ministries website.

** This item sticks out like a sore thumb amongst the others but then we are talking about the largely Republican – and therefore very conservative – South, here. Abortion is murder and the gays are evil sinners, and all that jazz.

*** The Cross Ministries Website also has a gift shop, selling such delightful items as photographic plaques (each photo attributed with some kind of meaningful significance, of course), Cross of Our Lord Jesus Christ t-shirts & hats, and audio CDs telling the story behind the cross.

To start the ball rolling, I thought I’d write a post about something close to home (which is North Carolina in the US for me, right now). A little research revealed that the town of Rose Hill, NC, claims to be home to the world’s largest frying pan, and damn proud of it they are, too! Situated in the town square under a pavilion roof, this functional Big Fucking Frying Pan measures an impressive 15 feet in diameter and is used to fry up to 365 chickens at once during festivals. However, when it isn’t in use (which, let’s face it, is 99% of the time) it really isn’t much to look at, lying down in there with its protective cover on:

It’s hard to get a photo that gives a true impression of its size in relation to your Uncle Bert when it’s parallel to the ground. It doesn’t really look much like your regular-sized kitchenware either, with that stubby handle. I personally believe that a Big Fucking Thing like this needs to resemble the not-so-fucking-big item that it claims to be a Big Fucking version of (although, having seen an image of it before it was last renovated, it seems that they’ve at least made an effort in terms of aesthetics now – it previously resembled more of a hot plate on top of cinder blocks). I think Rose Hill needs to learn a thing or two about presentation in order to really capitalize on their Big Fucking Thing.

For example, let’s take a look at a former contender for the prestigous title of World’s Largest Frying Pan: the town of Long Beach, Washington. Their original Big Fucking Frying Pan, forged from iron in 1941 for the town’s annual Razor Clam Festival and measuring in at just 9.6 feet in diameter (with a 5 foot handle) no longer exists, but that didn’t stop them from creating a 10 by 20 foot replica in fiberglass and mounting it vertically to create a true photo-opportunity kinda tourist attraction.

So what if it’s smaller than Rose Hill’s and you can’t use it to fry up a couple of cows? At least you can get a decent Big Fucking Thing family portrait in front of it!

It looks like we may be able to cobble together some general Big Fucking Thing guidelines as we go. It’s important that – if you’re going to attempt to prop up your local tourist industry by implementing the Big Fucking Thing strategy – you take a look at all the other Big Fucking things in the world and learn from their mistakes. To start, I’d like to propose the following entries to the Big Fucking Thing Book of Strategy:

1. Presentation of your Big Fucking Thing is key. People need to be able to show photos of themselves grinning like morons in front of the Big Fucking Thing to their friends to prove just how fucking big it is.
2. If your Big Fucking Thing is supposed to be a scaled up version of an everyday object that people are very familiar with then it really needs to look like that thing, otherwise it really doesn’t count for much.

Okay, that’s all for now. More Big Fucking stuff to come soon.

So all the govemment needed to do was send someone down there with a bag full of money, have him get off the plane, and let him walk in any direction, and he would’ve found a place to use it. And all he had to do was build a big fucking thing. It didn’t matter what it was as long as it was big and it was a fucking thing. And then, when it was done, everybody would have gotten excited and said, “Honey, pack up the kids, we’re going to see the Big Fucking Thing.”

Before you knew it, the Big Fucking Thing Restaurant, the Big Fucking Thing Hotel & Casino, and the Big Fucking Thing Spa all would have sprung up around it. And then, because all of these people would have flocked to see the Big Fucking Thing, the economy would have grown.

- Lewis Black, from page 170 of Nothing’s Sacred (Simon and Schuster, 2005)

This blog is a central place to report sitings of Big Fucking Things from your part of the world. Does your shithole little town have a Big Fucking Lemon or a Big Fucking Rodent Wheel that props up the local economy? Let us know all about your local Big Fucking Thing by e-mailing photos and a story to the address given in the sidebar.

Who knows? If I get enough submissions I might even put a World Map of Big Fucking Things together.